loss – the scream

The excitement of new birth woke me.

With greetings of joy, I rubbed my tummy and gave gratitude.

Checking the days; I bathed in your positive energy,

today I would see you my beautiful one.

A few hours later worry fought fear; confusion clang onto hope.

In the dark void the scan presented,

I looked for you,

whispering your name, until hope became desperation.

“No heart beat” is all I heard.

“You have lost this one” is all they said.

They were all wrong I thought,

because your heart would beat;

and confirm the trick you were playing on them.

Truth hit;

medicine makes no mistakes;

in that dark abyss that glared on their screen;

the scream for my loss engulfed you my love

and then my heart.

It numbed me;

all through the bleeding, the blaming and the counselling

the scream wanted out;

it fought for its escape;

no river of tears avenged it.

Until I opened myself up to it.

That night madness, grief, and the scream

were to be my blanket;

I mother to be – who had just miscarried.

Cleopatra Chipo Kuuya © 2007