The excitement of new birth woke me.
With greetings of joy, I rubbed my tummy and gave gratitude.
Checking the days; I bathed in your positive energy,
today I would see you my beautiful one.
A few hours later worry fought fear; confusion clang onto hope.
In the dark void the scan presented,
I looked for you,
whispering your name, until hope became desperation.
“No heart beat” is all I heard.
“You have lost this one” is all they said.
They were all wrong I thought,
because your heart would beat;
and confirm the trick you were playing on them.
medicine makes no mistakes;
in that dark abyss that glared on their screen;
the scream for my loss engulfed you my love
and then my heart.
It numbed me;
all through the bleeding, the blaming and the counselling
the scream wanted out;
it fought for its escape;
no river of tears avenged it.
Until I opened myself up to it.
That night madness, grief, and the scream
were to be my blanket;
I mother to be – who had just miscarried.
Cleopatra Chipo Kuuya © 2007